Oh Just Some Bitching About Fashion..

I haven't done a bitchy post in a long time. Too long, if you ask me. I ranted a good 3 month's ago about the Urban Decay "All Over Your Goddamn Face" Shadow  & it's been a good 6 months since I told you how much I hate Michelle Tanner and her eye makeup. Basically, we were all due for a good rant.

I posted about this on twitter earlier. For those of you who don't follow me - @kelspot .. jump on it. Anyways - I don't get this white tights trend that I seem to be seeing so much of these days. What set me off was seeing some girl post a twitpic of her outfit of the day and she was seriously like 28 years old and wearing white tights and maryjane shoes. Obviously, my first assumption was - "Oh, She's probably going to work. Clearly she is a Little Bo Peep Impersonator" - then I realized, probably not.

There's a trend between these 3 images. Would you like to know what it is?

I will tell you!

All 3 of these girls are AT LEAST 18 years old, but thanks to their choice in legwear -

They successfully look 11!

CONGRATULATIONS, GIRLS!!!!!!

Seriously, though! At 22 years old, I do not want to look exactly like I did in 1996 going to church on Easter. You don't have to agree with me and if you are thinking "but omg I just bought white tights and I look so chic and classic in them!" - that's fine. Wear them to prom for all I care. I'm just telling you that I think they're a great way to make yourself look like you're going to your 6th grade graduation.

I'm not big into this whole like RISKY FASHION thing. Some of the mannequins at Forever 21 make me double take and say "Really? You want me to wear a jean jacket with a sheer t-shirt underneath with a pink bra over top of the t-shirt? With ripped leggings? And cowboy boots? Oh and don't forget the tutu style skirt. That's perfect for work - my boss will love that." And the thing is - all those girls up there would have looked really cute if they'd have just skipped rocking the casper legs. There's nothing wrong with expressing yourself with fashion, but just remember that if you look dumb - I'm going to tell you. And wearing white tights past the age of 11 is unacceptable in my book. Aside from giving you Benjamin Button syndrome - they are not flattering at all! If you think your legs look big outside of tights, wait until you slip them into the white wonders. They'll look like marshmallows. SKIP THE TIGHTS, PEOPLE. SKIP THEM.

CUTE!

PASS!

Just say no.

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This Is The Reason 14 Year Olds Are Getting Drunk.

I heard this song on the radio yesterday and immediately recognized it's lame "I'm awesome because I party" style lyrics from the facebook status's of morons that I regret accepting friend requests from. I realize that my opening sentence there sounds incredibly bitch-tastic but I despise shit like this. Asher Roth for example. Throw yourself off a bridge, sir. Don't get me wrong - I drink and I enjoy drinking but I do not feel the need to idolize these dumbass songs that glorify it. More importantly, I hate the people who think they're awesome because they party and insist on telling you every stupid un-funny detail from the night prior. I love when they refer to them and their friends as 'alcoholics'. Because who DOESN'T aspire to be that?! Honestly, you're a freaking hotcho and you need to get over yourself.

So anyways, the song I'm referring to is entitled "TICK TOCK aka DOLLA" and it's by this girl named KESHA. If you're wondering, Kesha looks like a less attractive version of Shakira who has just done coke.

apparently you can also refer to the song as "p.diddy"?

he's mentioned one singular time in the song, so that makes sense..............

Anyways, Kesha has one of the most insanely mind numbingly annoying voices I have ever heard. It doesn't help that she doesn't actually "sing" this song... it's more like talking in the style of trying to sound cute while reading a children's book while drunk. It's really something that you have to experience for yourself to truly understand. In summary, though, there is not one ounce of talent in this song. Congratulations on being able to speak, Kesha. I'm glad you're getting paid thousands of dollars for that.

The "chorus" of the song is the part that the hotchos always copy paste into their status, but it's not really that part that bothers me so much. Lines like "Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack", "Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer", and my personal favorite - "I’m talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk.. Boys trying to touch my junk, junk.. Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk" .. ::sigh::

I see the 17 year old girls wearing mini skirts and tube tops in November with way too much eye liner and glitter on, drinking Natty Lite with a bunch of tan muscle headed morons singing this song and it makes me want to kill someone. There aren't many things in the world that make me this annoyed (aside from raspberry girls) - but the "I'm cool because I drink" songs have special powers. What's wrong with songs like "ballad for the lost romantics" by NFG... subtle references to drinking & loving your friends without sounding like a total tool:

Here's to us fools
That have no meaning

I tip my glass to you

Let's toast the night away to friends

And forget about tomorrow

I dig that! And I don't sound like a hotcho when I listen to it in my car!

But anyways... thanks Kesha for your wisdom in that killer and epic song. I definitely see you and Asher Roth getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Either that or rehab. Same thing.

(Literal) Crap I Regret Buying

I was asked to do a post via e-mail from a very lovely lady named Rachael regarding shit that I regret buying. Although I often report on crap-tastic items as I discover them, there are a few I haven't mentioned. I guess I'll give you my top 5 items to steer clear of, and hopefully prevent you from angrily throwing them in the trash can after you try them for the first time.

First up - let me reiterate this:

Stay away from the eye burning witches. Their eyeliner SUCKS and it will burn the living shit out of your precious peepers. Oh your eyeshadow looks so pretty and you're ready for eyeliner? Put this crap on and kiss all your hard work goodbye cuz you'll be rubbing your eyes crying for your mother.

Second, staying on the trend of BURNING -

Yoooouuuu. I love e.l.f. - don't get me wrong, but these eye makeup remover pads & me are not on speaking terms. The first time I tried them I thought for sure that it was the mascara I used that had rubbed into my eyes that was causing the extreme pain, but after the 3rd eye sizzling experience, I will never open the little buggers again. Best part is is that I had so much faith in e.l.f. that I bought 3 packs of these :o) fantastic.

Third - on the topic of just plain sucking -

Now, this one I blame myself for because as soon as I deemed myself a moron for not being able to get the color to stick to my eyelid - I jumped online and started searching. Apparently NYX trios are suck-tastic. Their single shadows? Fine. I guess something about putting them in a lovely coordinating trio makes them mutate into crap. I thought I'd be able to create a lovely green smokey with this set but instead it will be smothered beneath all the other palettes gasping for air. And I don't feel bad.

Fourth -

Now don't get me wrong, lash stiletto didn't burn me or anything - but I just came into the situation with high hopes and got let down. The "staggering lengths" and "black patent leather shine" I was promised was all a huge laughable lie. Although it made my lashes darker - that was really about it. The brush is quite pathetic and the formula is nothing to brag about. You could probably grab a $2 wet and wild mascara and get better results. Stick with lashblast, my friends. Stick with lashblast.

Aaaand finally, numero 5 -

I know.. "omggg i totally love forever 21 and now theyr'e making makeup my life is COMPLETE!". Wrong. I hate this crap. I cannot stand lipgloss that feels like you've smeared grease all over your lips - and to top it off... it doesn't even smell that good. It has purse appeal in the sense that the packaging is cute and it has a little charm hanging off of it, but that's about all. Guess I can't complain too much based on the fact that it was like $2 but step your game up F21. For real.